Peters Progress

“So are you able to run yet?” My friend asked me, casually in our conversation together over coffee (and a baby in her ring sling).

“Well, I am physically able to run, I just don’t have the time to right now. But you know, it’s okay, because I’m not a runner, I’m a Mama now,” I began telling myself more than her.

That simple question started me off on a tangent going way back, trying to explain what having a baby has taught me. And I’m still learning.

Lessons from a baby

Having a baby is teaching me so much about myself, and while it is not always fun, it is so valuable.

When I got pregnant sooner than I planned (but God’s plan is so much better!) I found myself having to face a lot about myself. I saw an issue I have, that I did not want to gain weight or get any bigger, fully surface as my body grew and changed in many ways with pregnancy. I realized as I was forced to drastically decrease the amount of running I was doing that running was a much bigger part of my identity than it should have been. I learned how selfish I was, and how much I wanted to do things my way and on my time.

I’m still learning

I definitely still have not learned all these lessons! I still look at my postpartum body and wish I looked and felt like I did before. I still long to go out and do a long run or a speed workout with the same endurance as before. I still want to go out and do things on my own or not be so tied down to my sweet baby’s schedule. But I am still learning.

I am learning to be less selfish. I am learning where I am placing my identity, and shifting my focus to Christ and my identity in Him. I am learning to focus on the needs of others instead of my own. And these lessons are blessings from God.

Children are a blessing

“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.” Psalm 127. I admit, during my pregnancy and the first few weeks, I do not always feel rewarded. But if I stop and think about it I am overwhelmed with how blessed I am. How do I deserve this reward of this amazing life I am responsible for? How do I deserve the joy she brings? And all the lessons she is teaching me, though she is only twelve weeks old?

I know I do not deserve any of it. I do not deserve any blessings from God, yet He has showered my life to overflowing. Now I must use them to His glory, and thank Him for each one.

This Thanksgiving I am so thankful for so much, but I am especially thankful this year for my sweet baby and all she is teaching me.

What about you?

How are your children a blessing? What lessons have you learned lately?

High expectations are hard.

I’ve struggled a lot with high expectations recently, but I’m learning a lot from them.

I’ve always been pretty bad about having crazy high expectations, then being extremely disappointed when I don’t meet them.

When I went to Florida College, nearly twelve hours away from home, I expected to adapt right to college life, make tons of friends, and excel socially and academically. Then I called home crying after two weeks, begging to come home. (But I recovered when I met and fell in love with my future husband, and I also became closer to some people who are my best friends).

Again, when I graduated with my AA degree, got married, and moved across the world to Romania within two months I thought I would surprise everyone and be totally fine and adapt to marriage and the Romanian culture with ease. Instead I cried every day and wondered what in the world was wrong with me. (But our year in Romania turned out to be wonderful and a blessing. I actually really miss it right now!)

When I found out I was pregnant I had great expectations of running throughout my pregnancy, having a healthy baby and a natural birth, and breastfeeding. Yet, as I mentioned in Mae’s birth story, at 37 weeks I found out she was not growing and I was induced at 38 weeks. My body did not readily respond to the pitocin, and after hours on an extremely high dose I gave up my plan of a natural birth (which was already unnatural due to the pitocin) and got an epidural.

After Mae was born we had our golden hour together, and I was eager to begin feeding her. But I realized I did not know what to do. I kept wondering if someone was going to tell me how to feed her. When Mama came back in she helped me, but I never could get Mae to latch.

We got settled in a room and a nurse showed me how to do the football hold, but since she still would not latch she showed me how to hand express and feed her drops of milk from my finger. I just cried that first night because I felt like I couldn’t feed Mae and I was a terrible mother.

I did not expect breastfeeding to be hard. Now that I am reading a lot about it, I am realizing that I was not prepared at all. Many people have said that mothers tend to read up a lot on childbirth and take classes, but, like me, expect breastfeeding just to come naturally. It is worth it, but it is hard, and support is essential. I have been so blessed to have the support, help, and advice of so many mothers that I really admire.

The day after I got home from the hospital I was still having a lot of trouble getting Mae to latch and I felt like she was not eating enough, so I called the lactation consultant at the hospital. She asked me to come in that afternoon so she could watch me and help me. She could not get Mae to latch either, so she decided to give me a nipple shield since she was so small.

That thing was like magic! Mae immediately latched on and ate more than she ever had in her life. And I thought all our problems were solved.

I continued to feed Mae with the shield most of the time, trying to wean off of it, but we’re still using it about 60% of the time. She ate often and long, and I could see her growing (way too fast in my opinion!)

Yet at her two-month check up this week her weight had fallen below the curve from her previous check up. I felt like she had been eating and growing, but this is what I feared. Thankfully, my doctor did not immediately suggest supplementing with formula, but gave me tips on increasing my milk supply.

I hope I do not have to supplement with formula. But I am a firm believer that fed is best, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep Mae healthy. It will be hard, because it is not the perfect plan I expected, but it will be okay.. So I will take Mae back to the doctor in a week for a weight check, and if she needs to have formula supplements it will be fine.

As Mama told me, I am learning (or trying to learn) to have “high goals, but low expectations.” And if I don’t meet my high goals it is okay. I’ll keep trying my hardest, but also giving myself a little grace.

Content, sleepy baby